Friday, March 7, 2008

My roommate slept with this guy's friend so he pissed in my closet (Part 2)

So now a little context before I continue onto part deux.

The man pictured below (Part 1), who shall remain nameless even though all five of my readers know that his name rhymes with "Randy Loopen," came to a large party at my house, sophomore year in college. I didn't know this Loopen at the time. He came with a friend. The same friend who my roommate slept with and who I wanted to sleep with but was never given the chance.

So it turns out, this friend was unhappy with the way my roommate was treating her at this party (after having slept with him) and she told her friend (Loopen) as much. He decided the best way to deal with the situation was to pee in my closet and not tell anyone. Now this was our sophomore year in college so what might smell like human urine coming from a closet to most people, just smelled like home to us, and said urine went undiscovered throughout the remainder of the year. We moved out and the urine stayed behind.

In the course of the next year, I'd become good friends with Loopen - through another friend all together - and enjoyed hearing about the frequent pranks he would pull of this nature. So when we were having a laugh at another friends party one night during our junior year, he felt a certain obligation to come clean with me - he peed in my closet.

And you know what? I didn't care. I thought it was pretty funny actually and our friendship endured.

Cut to senior year. I was living in yet another house, which surely had someone's urine on it somewhere unbeknownst to us, and
coincidentally was directly across the street from the house with the peed-in closet. Another roommate of mine decided to order himself a delicious sub sandwich from Madison's favorite, Big Mikes (sadly, Big Mike's is now defunct and no logo was readily available to post here). He placed the order at around 11 pm and hoped it would arrive soon so that he wouldn't be eating it past midnight. No such luck. In fact, this roommate began calling Big Mike himself at around 12:30 am, demanding a sandwich to be delivered immediately.

At around that time, I had the urge to urinate and headed toward where people usually go to do that sort of thing. But this roommate of mine was so incensed, (he even had me a little fired up), that together, we decided I should hold my pee and release it into the Big Mike's delivery driver's car. The plan was that I would wait by the back door, while another roommate stood watch on the balcony overlooking the street. When the driver pulled up to the front of the house, I would run around to the car, relieve myself and run back to the rear entry with the driver being none the wiser.

The car finally pulled up shortly before one, at which point my bladder had my urethra in a headlock. I walked out the back door and listened patiently for the driver to walk up our front steps. That noise didn't come like it should have. And in listening for that recognizable sound of winter boots on a wood porch, I missed the sound of winter boots crunching ground along the side of the house. I looked up and the driver was about two feet in front of me asking if I knew where 508 W. Washington was. I replied no, and ran back into the house to pee. Of course, he eventually figured it out and noticed that I was inside the very address of which I claimed not to know the whereabouts. The plan was foiled and what was going to be a very exciting story, quickly turned very anti-climatic with the flush of a toilet.

About three months after this event took place, we hosted another party and one of our guests happened to be the aforementioned Loopen. We had a few drinks and I started to recount the Big Mikes story, thinking I would really impress him. But as I started to near the end of the story, I realized there was nothing impressive about what I had done. I just pissed in a toilet like everyone else. So I did what anyone with a few drinks and a captive audience would do. I ended the story with, "so the guy went up to the door... and I pissed in the back seat of his car!"

Just as those words were uttered, and my audience was howling with delight, the roommate who was supposed to keep watch that night from the balcony walked by and called me out. "No you didn't," he said and kept walking.

"You're right - I just totally lied."
I was busted. For pissing into my toilet and not some dude's car.

And you know what? The guy who pissed in my closet liked me even better for lying to him.


Anonymous said...

so you didn't really piss on Leah's couch...?

Anonymous said...

That was a good one... any stories about feces and mall food courts perchance??

Anonymous said...

what's a polynatal cyst? oh wait, here it is...

Anonymous said...

Nothing impresses a fellow dude like pissing in the Big Queef delivery guy's car. You are retarded.

Mark said...

where did you get that pic of Thandy Newton?

Anonymous said...

You have 6 readers. A friend of yours told me about this blog and I can't help reading it. It's kinda like the compulsion to poke a canker sore with your tongue.

Anonymous said...

Half way through the story I'm thinking I'm glad I didn't know this story until now but when I got to the end i realized my good ole Anger Becomes Me.