Colon Blow

Day 11 (of a two-week cleanse): Oh, what I wouldn’t give for an egg. An egg over a bowl of ice cream. With a piece of cheddar melted on top. And maybe some soy sauce.

I realize that taking part in a cleanse may not sound very “me,” however, with a history of colon cancer in the family and a colonoscopy looming, I’ve got an inherent need to keep the pipes clean. If my liver and kidneys pink'en up as a result, even better. But mostly it’s the colon, and all the impacted fecal matter that comes with it. I want it flushed out so when it's all over, I have intestines clean enough to eat off of.

I looked into the high-colonic, also known as colon hydrotherapy. But ultimately, the price – two sessions at about $100 each - and the idea of pumping solution up where things only ought to go down, deterred me (that said, this crapper, pictured at the high colonic web site looks pretty fuckin' incredible).

So that, and the fact that my wife was just prescribed this particular cleanse by her naturopath to rid her of toxins (another post that I’ve just been given the green light to write and will soon) made this a nice act of solidarity.

Unlike the master cleanse which recently replaced fixie bikes and plastic Japanese toys as the hipster status symbol du jour, our cleanse actually allows us to eat food. An incredibly restrictive diet of food, but solid bits to chew on nonetheless, which definitely helps kill time.

Here’s what’s on my do not eat list:
Dairy, egg, soy, gluten, legumes, pork, beef, tomatoes, corn, grapefruit, sugars, alcohol, and caffeine.

I’ve subsisted on little other than chicken and brown rice for the last nine business days, thanks to the conveniently located bento joint down the road. Mind you, any flavors one might add to that, such as sweet chili sauce or peanut curry are off limits. Just a nice big plate of dry, hot food. Breakfasts are some kind of millet grain prepared as hot cereal with raisins and maple syrup. And for dinner, I’m lucky to have a wife who can make lemonade out of what we’ve been given so things get slightly more experimental. Add to that a steady stream of supplements in both capsule and gaggable powders mixed into a glass of water form, to be taken each morning and night, and you got yourself a cleanse.

I can’t say as I've felt any profound affects and frankly, what’s been coming out of me is perplexingly inconsistent (when what goes in is a constant, what comes out should follow, no?).

Above all else, I’ve grown to appreciate the gastronomical variety we humans normally enjoy, as opposed to say, dogs who are mired in the same goddamned kibble day after day. Although, at this point I would gladly get on all fours and eat Egg McSundaes out of a plastic bowl on the floor for a while.