Thursday, February 28, 2008

Wasted Material

The Portland Mercury, a free alternative weekly paper, comes out every Thursday. It's mostly full of trivial, vapid and useless information, but I dig it and I especially like the column titled "I Anonymous" found on the last page of paper, right next to the comics. Basically, this space is reserved for people to mouth off about somewhat common, yet obnoxious behavior that the writer has experienced and that hopefully the rest of us can relate to. And it can all be done in complete anonymity, of course.

It's a lot like my blog. But people actually read it. 

A recent incident I endured last week was so perfect for the paper's column that I refrained from recounting it here, and instead, submitted it to the Anonymous editor. My plan was to wait for it to be published and then post a link to it here. Well, today is Thursday and my rant wasn't published. And since I'm way too impatient to see if it ever gets published, I'm just going to post the entry here. 

"To the dude who sat next to me at the Stumptown coffee bar on Southwest 3rd avenue the other morning and proceeded to sing along to every word of Beck's "Mutations" playing over the cafe's stereo system, are you fucking kidding me? Were you trying to demonstrate your mastery of having committed these very catchy lyrics to memory. Or perhaps you thought the rest of us would be so taken with your glorious rendition of "Bottle of Blues" that we would hang on each mellifluous note to emerge from your mouth? I know you think you were singing quietly and to yourself, but this is neither your car nor your shower and when I come to the coffee shop and sit alone with my computer to get some work done, the last thing I want to be distracted by is some pretentious douche butchering what used to be one of my favorite albums."

For more I Anonymous rants, click http://forums.portlandmercury.com/forumdisplay.php?f=14 or just pick up the paper - it's free.
(Hey, what do you know - my submission was posted on their site under the title, "Public Singing Ban," but the version above is modified and better).

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

listen you angry runt ... i was that guy singing the beck songs. i would rather have to hear my voice than look at your ugly mug.

Anonymous said...

I'm just as god made me.

Anonymous said...

btw, I love that we can leave anonymous comments on your blog... Keebz.

Beck Hanson said...

That was actually me sitting next to you m*th*rf*ck*r. If you don't like my music then don't buy my albums you son of a bitch.

Anonymous said...

I too go out in public expecting people to behave...